Hey. I am a 24 year old straight guy. And I am still a virgin. The first time I was offered sex by my college time girlfriend, I was hesitant for some reason and we didn’t go ahead with it. By the time I thought I was ready, the girlfriend I had after wasn’t into the idea of having sex. As far as we could figure, she had symptoms of vaginismus. So we didn’t force it. One of the other reasons I feel I still haven’t been able to do it is because I have always stayed at my parents’ house and I cannot get a girl over at this house. I never have. It’s either the girl‘s place or It’s nothing. Now I have been single for almost a year. Locked at home due to obv reasons. One part of me is worried that I will never be able to lose my virginity and this other part is kind of comfortable with the idea of not doing it in the near future. It’s almost like a cocoon that I feel I am in where I don’t have to go through the ordeal and anxiety of doing it for the first time. I would like to know the explanation to this ‘condition’ and maybe my options as well. Ps. I’m moving out of the country this year. For the first time I am going to live alone away from home.
Living with parents is the default for young adults in most South Asian communities, so you are not alone! It comes with no rent, no food costs, and no sex. Nearly every person can identify with the awkwardness related to bringing their partner home, even if sex is not involved. Keeping this in mind, we would wager a pretty safe bet that there are several people in your age group who have not been physically intimate with anyone, some people who are exaggerating the extent of sexual activity they have engaged in, and a few who have had sex, but it really wasn’t good (which is completely okay and normal).
When talking about the first time we have sex, so much of the conversation revolves around simply doing it, like a yes or no question on a survey. But if we think about the reasons why we want to have sex, hopefully they are more than just being able to say “I did it!”.
Sex can be emotional, fun, meaningful, casual, pleasurable, exciting, a way to kill time, a way to make another human being. Yet, many of us think of the first time as an intimidating and anxiety inducing “ordeal”. Our conversations around sex are in fact so flawed that we don’t even have the time to address how the idea of “virginity” as something to lose or preserve is made up, or how many men see sexual conquest (and being a non-virgin) as an affirming sign of their masculinity.
For your answer, we want to focus on how your first time can be a great time! As you said, you are likely going to be living on your own soon so at least one of the the obstacles between you and good sex is gone. We totally understand that you feel like if you’ve not done it yet, maybe it will just never happen. But that’s just not how life works? You are young and you’ve had opportunities before, you’ll have opportunities again! The reality is, the “first time” is very similar to the second, third and fourth time, and so on. It’s like learning any new skill; it takes practice, experimentation and time to get good at it. With each new partner, you’ll have to learn and unlearn certain habits to cater to what they like.
Instead of focusing on just the first-time-insert-penis-in-vagina part, we’d encourage you to take this time to figure out how you want to make yourself and your partner feel. In your ideal scenario when you meet a woman you want to have sex with, how will you approach the topic and ask for consent? How will you make the woman feel comfortable and happy before, during and after sex? What safety precautions will you take? How will you deal with the awkwardness of not knowing how your own body will react during sex? How will you react if things (our bodies, circumstances, emotions) don’t go as expected?
This thought exercise will hopefully make you feel excited by the idea again, and make you think about the several details that go into having good sex. Ultimately, when the time comes, and you are with the person who is ready to get in bed with you, how will you turn your first time into a pleasurable and memorable night for two, rather than just a task you’ve to get done with to prove something to yourself and others?
The Second Puberty