Its been a couple of yrs since our marriage & routine and work has caught on our lives... sex has deteriorated... How to reignite it as by night we tired or just want to catch a show to unwind?
Experiencing a lull in your sex life is very normal in long term relationships. The early excitement and spontaneity wears off eventually and the stress that comes with daily adult life starts to take its toll on you.
The bigger question is, as time as gone on in your relationship, how else do you express intimacy and romantic interest, other than sex? Do you still feel connected to your partner? Often, lack of sexual intimacy is an indicator of bigger issues in relationships. Sex is about connection and comfort, and if one is lacking, people become less enthusiastic and inclined towards sexual intimacy. If you feel like your sex life is lacking, chances are that your partner feels it too.
Taking some “you time” to look inwards and evaluate if there is something, other than the exhaustion of daily life, that's causing you to subconsciously avoid physical intimacy might be the first step. We suggest taking this time to also evaluate how you ideally want your relationship and life to look at this stage. What are the concrete steps you can take to get you there?
The next part is actually bringing this concern up with your partner. Talking with them and having an open conversation might help address and work through some of the tension that is causing this distance between you two. Just like you gave yourself some time to figure out your emotions, give them time to formulate what they want too. Maybe prepare their favourite meal, plan a nice relaxing evening to take the stress away and make them feel cared for. Emphasize on the fact that you love them and want to actively (instead of passively) enjoy their company, which includes but is not limited to sex.
If the underlying issue is just the monotony of life, we would encourage you to experiment in the bedroom. Sex toys, BDSM, watching porn together, role-play, tantric sex, or even just new positions - all of these can be ways to get excited about sex again! There are several forums on the larger internet (who are more qualified than us) that talk about how to approach these activities in a fun and safe way. Remember communication is key, and if it doesn’t feel sexy, it is okay for you or your partner to stop and try something different.
Lastly, even seeing a couple’s counselor might help you verbalize, constructively convey and work towards issues in a way that both parties like! It might be something small like switching up your routines every once in a while, or it might be a deeper issue lurking beneath the surface. Either way, this is something many couples struggle with. You have already identified a problem and clearly want a solution (which is why you are writing to us), which is more than what a lot of people do! Hopefully, a combination of what we've discussed above will help reignite the spark and make your time with your partner more meaningful.
The Second Puberty