Alias: Confused Soul
I've had sex with men and women both, since my early 20s but more men than women. I've also been bullied since school days and had no friends back then. Now that I'm nearing 30 and have made a decent career, rather enviable journey in my workspace, I feel better about myself. I've fallen in love with a girl and I'm head over heels for her and haven't hooked up with a guy in more than 6 months. How do I know I won't go back that route 20 years later in my life?
Dear Confused Soul,
Thank you for sharing your struggles and victories with us. We think that the thirties can be some of the most important years of our lives especially in terms of career stability, and it's amazing that you are on the path of achieving what you wished to. Being a survivor of bullying can have lifelong impacts and we are glad that you came out stronger from that shit. These are important milestones of your life that you must celebrate and share with those who are important to you.
Falling in love is a beautiful feeling, however commitment can be the difficult and often confusing part. We often don’t know what commitment means because we don’t learn about it in school or talk about it with our peers. Commitment holds different meanings to all of us, no matter if it is a monogamous or non-monogamous relationship. We understand your concerns about sex and sexuality when entering this new relationship. What your body likes and dislikes during sex can be one of the most hardest conversations with our partners. Sexuality is very fluid, our preferences can keep changing and that is completely fine. It might be a good idea to ask yourself how you feel about non-monogamy? How do you feel about having sex with men or women, is there is shame involved in your experience with a certain gender? Are there certain expectations by this heterosexual society which is unconsciously holding you back or unconsciously pushing you to be in a certain kind of relationship?
We have heard this many times but it's a good reminder that communication is the key when it comes to sex with your partner. Talk to them about things you have liked or disliked in the past. Once you open up the basic lines of communication, you will find it easy to be creative in bed with your partner, regardless of gender or specific body parts. Talk to them about what pleasured you when you were having sex with men, be specific about the kinds of penetration or places you like to be touched or stimulated, research safe ways that you can replicate previous good experiences or find new ways or positions that enhance the sexual experience for both you and your current partner. Remember that it might take lots of trial, error and practicing before you get it right, take your time.
Life is uncertain and no one can assure where you will be 20 years from now, no matter how much we want to know if a relationship will work out. What's important is to make the present moments count by making efforts to get to know each other better in different ways, for example by travelling or learning a new skill together. Even if it doesn't work out in the future, it is not your fault because things change, situations change and it is okay to follow our heart. Nobody deserves to stay in a relationship that makes them unhappy just because they want it to last long term.
What you can do right now is taking those baby steps together to learn what commitment means to each of you and work at your relationship whether it is by exploring certain kinds of sexual intimacy, having conversations about your confusions or if it's about questioning and redefining what relationships mean to you without the expectations of the heteronormative monogamous society.
The Second Puberty