How do I tell my parents I am lesbian? They believe in old traditions not their fault, due to having only 1 structure of marriage/relationships in society made their perception. I don't think I have the guts to tell them, they are old and always worry about small things. I fear that this might impact them deeply toward health issue. I don't even ever had any gf or had any experience around me. So not sure if what I am feeling is real or if I find anyone to share this experience. I don't want to tell anyone if I am not sure. Please help its suffocating living like this.
We are gonna start with the middle of your question. Whatever you are feeling is real in this moment. You don't have to definitively decide right this second whether you are a lesbian. It’s not even really a decision. Straight people never have to make decisions regarding their straightness. They just get to exist. So do you. Not having a girlfriend or “experience” with other women does not invalidate how you feel. Many queer people, throughout history and even today, go through life with legitimate feelings of queerness but for whatever reason (mainly safety and social stigma) never have the chance to fully explore their queerness and queer relationships. Their internal queerness is no less real.
We believe that sexuality is fluid so even if you come to the realization later in life that you are bi-sexual or even straight, it doesn’t mean that at some point you did not experience real “lesbian” attraction.
We wish we knew how old you are because that would help us address your question more deeply. Regardless, know that the idea of “coming out” i.e. one definitive moment where you announce your gender/sexuality to your whole social circle at once (the way it happens in movies and TV) is largely false. For a lot of us, the start looks like a lot of internal doubt, questioning and even google searches - like you are doing now. Once we are more comfortable with finding out who we are (as evolving as that identity can be), it includes telling our most trusted people who we know will understand. Sometimes, that leads to finding out that there are other people like us who may also be hiding parts of themselves. In this community, no matter how small and hidden, there is some solace. Coming out is less of a proclamation of your sexuality to the world but rather, hiding less of yourself around the people you are most comfortable with.
If you think your parents aren’t ready to know yet, you don’t have to tell them. You are right - it’s not their fault that they were raised in a homophobic world (or at least a world where the spectrum of sexuality isn’t discussed). For us, often telling parents is often a step that can put our survival in danger. This could mean anything from being sent to conversion camps, to getting kicked out of your house, to being disowned, to being forced into a heterosexual marriage. Of course, these are the worst-case scenarios, but if you are not financially independent and in a safe community, your parents simply do not need to know until you feel comfortable telling them.
A small tip about slowing starting to sensitize your parents to the idea of LGBTQ people is simple to slip in queer media into their daily life. Depending on what they like, whether it be Bollywood movies, documentaries, books, etc., there is a rich catalogue of entertaining yet sensitive portrayals of queer people now available for anyone with access to the internet.
We understand that hiding a part of you is suffocating and not knowing for sure is maddening. For the uncertainty, we suggest just taking it slow. You don’t have to “decide” and “come out”. Take your time. Spend time with your thoughts, consume queer media, and always remember that it’s an innate part of you that you will discover as life goes on more and more - whether through finding your first girlfriend or meeting other queer people. The hiding, especially from people who love everything else about you, like your parents, is tragic. But, always place your day to day psychological and physical safety first.
We hope that your road to self-discovery is paved with happy accidents, caring communities and celebratory “coming out”s.
The Second Puberty