Hey, I’m a woman who was born in the wrong vessel i.e. body. I am transitioning towards a more congruent and self-defined future. As I’ve grown over the past few years I’ve grown from a timid woman born in the wrong body to a somewhat “conventionally attractive” woman in the right body. My transition has not only given me confidence, but also my authentic virtue. I do not like being labeled as a trans woman (not because I’m ashamed of my identity but because I just don’t like being labeled on the basis of my chromosomes ). I also happen to blend with people very easily (cis people mostly) as I don’t care about trans or cis titles at all. As long as you’re a person who exudes good vibes I will chill with you. I don’t wear my transness as a badge because it’s a painful past and I don’t like broadcasting my pain. Sometimes I just wanna be a run of the mill girl with no baggage and explanations. Just because I happen to look a certain way and don’t scream trans and LGBTQ on social media lots of people from the community accuse me of being selfish. I’ve pondered a lot on this and am confused. Does being a binary trans woman who blends easily and doesn’t like talking about her transness (because of my own vulnerabilities) make me less of an ally? Also, I’m a heterosexual woman and I gravitate towards cis men unfortunately (law of averages). I represent myself as female and I am very in the box (although there was and should never be a box I mean in the box by default of societal paradigms), so does that make me queer or a queer ally?
Being trans and dysphoria are very individualistic and non-quantifiable experiences, as emotions often are. As a result, how trans people choose to present themselves is also highly individual. Some people have the goal to go full stealth and not talk about their transition process and experiences publicly, some people are very open about their transition and experiences, and some fall somewhere in the middle. All these persons are equally valid in their identity.
Today, there are an increasing number of people being open about, and educating the public on trans issues and the nuances of their experiences. These representations and role models that we can relate to are always commendable and wonderful to see! But sometimes this unwittingly ends up creating a certain image of and expectation from the whole community. It is important to keep in mind our personal safety, politics and comfort. There is absolutely nothing wrong with not openly identifying as trans and being stealth in your day to day life. Historically, a majority of the community didn’t openly identify as trans (and still continues not to) around the world, no matter the socio-political state. Simultaneously, it is wonderful that there are spaces that allow people to be out and their true selves.
Feeling comfortable in your body and the way you carry yourself in society is not something that someone else can dictate for you. Feeling like you fit in a box isn't necessarily a bad thing, as long as you are being authentic to yourself.
The one common experience that all of us in the trans community have is the courage to be our true authentic selves no matter what other people think. This may make us a bit selfish sometimes, as we make our values and virtues our greatest priority. But we must do this because society at large does not prioritize our self-actualization, happiness, and safety. This is the failure of our cis allies - and a you or any other singular trans person cannot change this fact.
The queer label also flows in the same vein since it is such a wide umbrella term. The way you identify with it is completely up to you. Some people use queer in a gender and sexuality context and some in a purely sexuality context.
Remember, being an ally isn't about how you present or carry yourself, but rather the ways in which you are supporting the community, be it openly or not!
The Second Puberty